I wasn’t planning on writing to you. Our current therapist suggested writing letters to our past self at various ages and I planned on using neat, composite numbers. I was aiming for 20 or 25. I looked through lots of pictures, and there weren’t very many of you from 2011. That was the year you went to Spain! I think this is the Brian that needs you most right now. You wanted to have pictures of you in Spain as a reminder of how proud you were to be one of the few in your family to ever travel outside the USA and that feeling of accomplishment for all the things you did to make that trip happen. But… it was hard to find any pictures of you. Because remember that one time when you deleted them all, or never took them in the first place? Let’s talk about that.
I’m sad for you right now. And a little upset and impatient with you TBH. But mostly sad. You knew you should be having the time of your life but you were so timid and insecure and hurt and closed-off that it was a constant obstacle to enjoying yourself there and making friends. Here are some things I wish you’d had somebody to tell you then, in no particular order:
- Have a kinder internal dialogue. You put some pretty scathing labels on yourself (fat, awkward, clumsy, ugly, dumb) that you would never let anyone else get away with saying to you - so why is it okay to say those things to yourself? [Sotto voce] It’s not. You are smart, resourceful, moderately funny, a decent clarinetist and singer, and some of your rougher life experiences have made you compassionate AF. And if you need something more superficial to appreciate, no worries. You have nice eyes, somehow still have a soccer butt, and once you graduate from BYU you'll have a strong beard game to look forward to *nail-painting emoji*. There are lots of good things to like about yourself if you stop berating yourself long enough to notice. (You're still working on this at age 30, but have made some appreciable improvement.)
- Don’t try so hard to get people to like you. A few years ago you came out to a few people and then they rejected you. This included friends and family. I know you were still devastated by this, but I have some insight for you: those people don’t matter. They weren’t your friends anyway. Some of those people (friends and family) needed some time to be okay with it. Give them some time, they’ll come around. Focus on the friends who support you living your best life. There are also lots more people in your life who you haven’t met yet who will be AMAZING friends to you, so hold tight for a bit longer.
- It’s okay that you’re gay. It’s okay that you didn’t go on a mission. It’s okay that you’re having doubts about the Church. Doing “the right thing” (i.e. mission, marriage, children) is not a guarantee of happiness. I know being in such a high-pressure environment at BYU makes it hard to see above it all, and you’re super stressed about not living up to the expectations that the Church set for you. In a couple years you’ll leave that environment, leave the Church, and leave that toxic pressure! So many of those things you’re stressed and ashamed about don’t matter anymore. Your life at age 30 is not perfect, but you are relatively successful at adulting and you have a good community of family and friends. Hang in there.
- So… let’s talk about relationships. You are compassionate and generous AF with your time and emotional energy. That can be a good thing. But… please stop spending so much energy on people who don’t / won’t reciprocate. That goes for friends and dating. But especially for straight men. *facepalm*
- Also, for the love of God can you please buy some more T-shirts? That Scooby Doo shirt is whimsical and all but 30% of your pics are in that shirt. You'll develop some better fashion sense in a couple years. At least... I hope so.
