I’m gay. It only took me just under 19 years to figure that out. I’m not surprised if this is news to people who knew me as a teenager. I was a good Mormon kid - I went to church, I did what I was told, I didn’t party or drink or do drugs. Call it denial or youthful ignorance - It never occurred to me that I was gay. After all, you can’t be gay and Mormon! And I grew up in Bakersfield, which I like to refer to as the Texas of California. So there's that.
I remember the moment when it suddenly clicked: my roommate at the time came in and wanted to have a life chat about the feelings of depression he’d been going through. After a bit of conversation, he told me that he was gay. I already knew. My gaydar was (and generally still is) impeccable. As he told me more about his experiences and how he felt, it struck such a strong chord with me that I finally realized that I had been feeling the same way for a long time. And for the first time, I was able to put a label on all the feelings that I’d been so confused about. I’m gay. All of the awkward moments in high school suddenly made sense! [Cue montage of all the times I got caught staring at the cute boy that was in all of my classes, feeling super awkward in the locker room, being sent to therapy as a 16 year old and not knowing why I was there, etc.]
I was so excited - I finally knew what my problem was and how to fix it. My Sunday School teachers always told me that through the Atonement of Christ, I could be healed and my heart could be changed. I spent the next year or so trying really hard to “overcome my struggle with Same-Gender Attraction”. I began attending meetings at Evergreen, an organization dedicated to "helping people who want to diminish same-sex attractions and overcome homosexual behavior". I joined North Star and attended all of the "Matis-sides", where all the Mormon Homosexuals (or MoHos, as we pretended to like to be called) went to enjoy each other's company and talk about the church and foster healthy, platonic relationships with other men. (Spoiler alert: relationships were rarely platonic and most of these firesides merely served as a forum for scouting out the next hookup. Eeeew.) I took advantage of the free reparative counseling provided by the school. Looking back now, I see that everything was always so clinical, in and out of the counselor’s office.
Let’s find out the root of your homosexuality. What happened to you when you were little that made you decide to be gay? Did a male figure in your family ever abuse you? What are you triggers for thinking about men? Pick a hymn to sing in your head when you’re in your “danger zone”.
About this time, I went to talk to my bishop, as suggested by every Sunday School lesson ever, about my "struggles". He proceeded to tell me that being gay was one of 20-something points on “ The Circle of Sexual Deviance" and explained that homosexuality was opposite on the wheel from heterosexuality, adjacent to bestiality and pedophilia. I wouldn’t be able to go on a mission unless I could “kick this thing”. God loved me, but he did not need a homosexual missionary tempting every companion and making members and investigators feel uncomfortable about me being near their children. I left his office feeling confused, devastated at the blow to my self-esteem, but more resolved than before to overcome this trial that I had apparently volunteered for in the Pre-Mortal Life because I was just that awesome and stalwart before I was born. (Yes, that was from an IRL Matis-side talk by some professor from Utah State.) I told lots of my friends about my struggles so that I could build up a support base, and be accountable when I was having gay thoughts. (Sounds suspiciously similar to AA. But we won’t go there.) Bad idea - I lost a lot of friends that way. In retrospect, I suppose those people weren’t my friends after all. I’ll spare you an extensive description of my depression during that time, but after a several very angsty months, I thankfully realized that there wasn’t anything wrong with me, I hadn’t done anything wrong, and I didn’t need fixing. That was a very liberating realization! It put me at odds with the teachings of the Church (and therefore BYU’s Honor Code), but I decided that I wanted to finish my schooling at BYU, so I’d better keep my head down and not get into trouble.
For me, being gay at BYU was a… um… delicate balance. I refused to hide my rainbow under a bushel and pretend to be someone I wasn’t. If I was asked directly, I would always answer honestly. On the other hand, it would have been imprudent to broadcast my gayness to the world. I developed this policy: “Everyone who knows me well enough has probably already figured it out. Anyone else - that’s for me to know and for them to be curious about.” I found a few really great friends and built my own support base. I tried to be active in Church and to keep out of trouble.
It bears mentioning here - I went on dates with boys every so often. I figured I deserved the same dating opportunities / experiences / mishaps that all my hetero counterparts did. I also figured that since I had voluntarily signed the Honor Code that I should hold myself to the same standards of propriety as my hetero counterparts. This was a point of confusion for many of my friends and dates. My Mormon friends were disappointed that I was breaking the law of chastity by dating men, and the men I was dating were disappointed that I was keeping the law of chastity by sticking to the dating standards I’d grown up with. Heh.
Anyway… shortly after I returned from my semester abroad in España, I felt a sudden pull toward the Church. My gay friends told me it was a social pressure to conform, while my Mormon friends were probably excited that I was finally repentant. I think deep down I just needed to know once and for all if I could be happy being 100% devout in the Mormon faith. (Side note - the full accounting of my adventures and misadventures in and out of the LDS faith shall be saved for another lengthy exposition.) I immersed myself in the social life of my ward (congregation), and made lots of great friends. Which leads to the story of when I dated a woman.
We had been hanging out a lot, and I absolutely adored her friendship, and then the weirdest thing - I had romantic feelings for her. I still think she’s the only woman I’ve ever been truly interested in having a relationship with. [Insert inverted jokes from all my gay friends about how it’s unnatural and perverted to have feelings for a woman. Tee hee.] We started dating and it was the best, most solid relationship/friendship I’ve ever had. We dated for 9 months. There was a point toward the end where I realized that - no rush on it, no stereotypical societal pressure - the next step would be getting engaged and then married in the temple. In so many ways I wanted that future. She was my best friend and would have been the best companion ever. Sigh. But despite my flux of activity in the Church, I was still having my doubts, and it wouldn’t be fair to her to be in a relationship with someone who is not on the same page religiously. So I put on my game face and we broke up.
After graduation, I spent the summer half-heartedly looking for a teaching job in Utah, then made my poorest life decision to date and moved to California to blindly take a teaching job. I thought that was my opportunity to start fresh and build a new life. Nope! After a few months there I had a breakdown and moved to Washington, where I had my real new start. It was a rough start, but right away I felt more at ease here. It’s probably a combination of the more progressive way of thinking that’s prevalent in the beautiful Pacific Northwest (which is more aligned with my own progressive way of thinking) and the fact that I had a truly fresh start - I knew two people in the whole Evergreen State when I moved here. There were no reputations to precede me here. I was just Brian, a summation of my personality and experiences to the present. I didn’t have to be awkward, oblivious, closeted Brian, or Elders’ Quorum Presidency Brian, or fabulous glitter-bomb Brian.
I love that being gay isn’t a “thing” here. In Utah, when I would tell people I was gay I was generally met with one of two reactions: a curt aha-type sound followed by a million questions about my “struggle” and what I was doing to conquer it, or a fabulous outburst of glitter and rainbows and hugs. There were also the people who were “OMG I’m so happy to have a fabulous token gay friend because that means I am progressive and accepting but I will vote to deny you your equal rights in a heartbeat because being gay is a sin. [Giggle.] Love you!”. In contrast, I remember during my first days at Apple when I mentioned to a group of coworkers that I had a date that evening. They asked, “With a girl or a guy?” I said it was with a guy, nobody batted an eye, and they continued on, recommending some good eating spots.
You’ll notice that I have not included any names in this posting. Many of you know the people mentioned in my stories. Please respect them by directing all questions and/or speculations about my story to me directly. I would be happy to talk one-on-one about my experiences or answer questions.
You may wonder what sparked this tome of a post. Why today? Why post it at all? To be honest, I’m not sure why today was the day. On October 11, 2014, in recognition of National Coming Out Day, while I was on a ferry headed for Vashon Island, I promised myself that I would be 100% out and honest by October 11, 2015. I still have 5-1/2 months! It also occurs to me that this week makes 2 years since I graduated from BYU. My life has changed in a lot of ways since then. Most of the changes have been for the better. I live in the most beautiful city ever, I have lots of supportive friends and family here, in Utah, back home in California, and beyond. I have a great job with an amazing company that uses religion as a force to do so much good on a huge scale all over the West Coast! And although everyone knows my gay dating life is more a parody of misadventures than a fairy tale, I am grateful to live in a place where I can be open and honest and, most importantly, BE MYSELF.
Thank you for reading this far. I am done now.
